I'm Back!

    I had gotten so busy that I forgot about my blog and a new friend inadvertently reminded me I had one by referring me to someone else's blog. What can I say.....I've been a busy woman.
  So let's do some catching up.  The past couple of months SOME of my health issues seem to have resolved themselves.  I haven't had an attack in several weeks.  Although there has been a new issue evolve.  I go for test results next week.  Keeping my fingers crossed on that one! 
  The past couple of weeks have been a tough one on mine and my husbands marriage.  A lot of things have gotten in the way of our lives together.  It has taken a hefty toll but I believe things are on the mend.  No matter how bad things get, it is hard to imagine my life without him. I think the majority of the issues we have been having had to do with him turning the big 4-0! Today he surprised me with flowers. They are absolutely beautiful and he definitely got brownie points for that! :)
  My oldest son started middle school last week.  He is growing up so fast! My middle son started 2nd grade and my youngest son is now in Pre-K!! Wow, it is so hard to believe. I miss rocking my little men when they were babies. I find it nearly impossible to fight the urge to have another, but that one would just grow up too.  

What a Weekend!!!

  Whew!  I have never been so glad to see a MONDAY!!  I am still trying to wrap my head around everything that went on this past weekend. 
  Where do I even begin?  I guess its best to go in order! It all started with as soon as the pick up for visitation happened.  We had our hellos and hugs and as soon as hubby was in the car, he let it fly.  Telling the oldest ones that what goes on in our house is not their mothers business unless we are endangering their welfare.  It stemmed from all the nasty text messages over my health from his ex and new furniture that I bought.  Apparently they told their mom about my new living room suite.  The SAME living room suite I had been saving for, for how long? TWO YEARS!!!  Does she think every dime in this household belongs to her or something?  I still can't figure it out.  I learned months ago that my money is MY MONEY and his money is HER MONEY.  (*rolling eyes*) because he was with her first.  I will never understand a woman who tries to remain fully dependent on a man financially.  Especially after she gets child support, alimony etc.  Im just glad my hubby doesnt succumb to her demands.  Apparently from what I know from my hubby and others who are familiar with the situation is that she was ALL about the money while they were married thus he worked 18-20 hour days to support HER lifestyle. So she continues to be ALL about the money.  Sorry, but I refuse to live above my means and force my hubby into an early grave.  When I met him, he was sick.  Very sick.  He had finally had enough and left.  After months of counseling and her attitude towards him, he left.  She will fully admit to not being the wife she should have been.   My hubby spent what seemed like every other week in the hospital for stress reasons and heart issues when I first met him.  Doctors told him he couldnt continue to work the way he does and live longer than another year or two.  It was taking a toll on his body.  Did she care?  NOPE.  Did I care, you bet I did.  I refuse for him to work the way he did when I first knew him.  His children having a father that is alive and well is much more important than her hair, nails, and boobs.  While I whole heartedly agree with child support to SUPPORT HIS CHILDREN, I do not agree with a woman who works full time at a wonderful job to receive alimony.  It's infuriating.  Its called involuntary servitude.  Hes basicly her slave until the time period is up.  It's UNCONSTITUTIONAL! 
  The second thing that happened this weekend is my youngest step-daughter who is 9, decides every other weekend that she is my husbands ONLY child and that she needs ALL of his attention.  What did I expect to change this time?  Nothing, Ive learned to expect nothing.  My oldest step-daughter is very bitter about her sisters behaviour.  Saying she is an attention getter and brags about being "the favorite".  So here I go trying to fix that issue with my hubby.  Hopefully next visit I can get him to take the oldest to lunch or something without feeling guilty for leaving the youngest behind (she is the only one who gets alone time with daddy).  She is also the same one who is insanely jealous of EVERYONE.  I understand she misses her daddy, but some of the stuff she does is mind boggling.  She writes in her diary this weekend and puts it away.  Then she comes to me and says she doesnt want anyone to read it.  I tell her okay, that its her private thoughts and no one will get into it.  I later go into mine and hubbys sanctuary.  The ONE place that is ours and is OFF LIMITS to all of the kids only to find she had been in there without permission and placed her diary entry that was ripped out on top of my pillow.  It said "I miss my old house, I miss my mommy and daddy being married.  I want it back the way it was and will do anything to make it happen. Sorry April."
It tugs at my heart strings, I can only imagine how she feels. So I take her paper back to her and she throws it in the trash, looks at me and says "I mean it, I want my old life back and your not going to get in the way."  I tell her I am sorry that she thinks I am in the way but that things will never go back the way they were.  That life happens and things dont always go the way we want them to.  She goes and writes another entry in her diary.  Later that evening I tell hubby about PART of the issue.  So he asks to see the diary, which had a much nicer version of what she wrote for me inside.  He talks to her and basicly tells her the same thing I did.  It felt good to be backed up.  I felt like she was targeting me, and that she was threatening my marriage.  I wasnt mad about it, but felt something needs to be done about her recent attitude towards me.  Its been blatantly disrespectful the past 2-3 months.  I wasnt upset at her feelings, I was upset that she had no regard for me and that I wasnt going to get in her way.  I know a child shouldnt make me so insane but lately she is.  I think its partly that this little girl, just a few months ago treated me with respect and acted like she loved me so much.  Now the games are being played with pinning biomom and me against eachother.  Shes been caught in telling her mom lies about things I have said.  I wont tolerate that.  Her mom might, and she may even choose to believe her but at my house she WILL NOT get away with lying. 
  The third thing that happened, uggggh!!! The insanity will never end.  I go to get groceries and while loading them in the back of my SUV, I notice someone has scratched a word on my trunk area.  I look at it and it says "Bitch".  REALLY? Well ya know, maybe I have been on edge lately with my health issues and dealing with so much BS, but a bitch I am not.  Hubby and I come home and I call each of the oldest kids and skids individually to a private room and ask a simple task.  "How do you spell the word bitch?  Im serious, so dont laugh and spell it for me."  My middle child says "b-e-c-h".  I knew it wasnt him anyway but for the sake of involving anyone with a halfway ability to spell and write I had to ask.  My youngest stepdaughter joins me in the room after I call her she says "b-i-c-h"  My oldest son who is 10 joins me, I make the same request of him and his reaction was a deep startled breath in and automatically saying he didnt do it he didnt do it.  Mind you, I didnt tell any of them why I wanted the word spelled, just to spell it.  He then breaks down in tears and insists he didnt do it.  Now why would he act that way?  Especially if he "didnt do it" how would he know what on Earth I am talking about.  BINGO, got the one who did it.  I dont even know what to say.  I walk away and send him to his room.  After a much needed 10 minute cool down, I go in his room and ask him to tell me the truth.  He confessed.  He has been giving me major issues lately as well.  Im beginning to think he and my youngest sd are drinking from the same glass.   Issues with stealing tooth fairy money from his brother, lying, failing grades after making honor roll all year, refusing to do his chores (that he gets paid for!), talking back, rolling eyes, throwing food at various items in our house (when eating is ONLY at the table), pushing, hitting, kicking his younger brothers when they are actually NOT even bothering him, spray painiting my trees, grass, deck, youngest brothers bike, and hubbys grill HOT PINK and now scratching a cuss word into my car.  WONDERFUL!   Ive talked to him, his dad has talked to him, my hubby has talked to him, his nanny.....just trying to figure out what is going on with him.  Nothing, he wont even talk about it.  He says he was just acting stupid.  What I wanna know, "WHATS IT GONNA TAKE TO MAKE HIM ACT SMART?????" ugggh!   So now he has to write 500 sentences that say "I will not destroy or disrespect someone elses property."  He also has to wash and wax my car on the next pretty day, as well as pay for the cuss word to be buffed out!  Gotta learn responsibility somehow!

   The good thing about this weekend,  I found out that my attacks are not stress related.  During all the crap this weekend, no attack.  So hopefully we can figure it out when I go to the Doctor.  I am on day 3 I believe of no attacks.  Hopefully they STAY AWAY!  :)

Gearing up for the Weekend

A day and a half has passed and I havent had an attack.  Wonder if I can cancel my doctors appointment. Hmmmm.  Probably not because I will more than likely be drug there kicking and screaming.  Might as well go quietly. LOL. 
Its our weekend with the skids.  Im wondering what this visit will bring.  It seems like there is a new surprise everytime.  Some are good and some not so good.  I wish the weather would cooperate. I really wanted to have a beautiful weekend where I could get some pictures of the kids.  Our hillside is covered in Easter lillies that are in full bloom.  I didnt realize how early they bloomed this year until I took my first daily walk.  Ive been cooped up in this house so long that Ive grown into a hermit, but being outside has done me good.  I even love the execise I am getting from it.  Its not a mundane gym with the same ole same ole...Its nature, ever changing and ever so beautiful.
Ive learned its okay to take time for me.  Things may fall apart if I am gone for an hour (they really do) but its nothing that cant be fixed or that cant wait.  Now if I can just take that long relaxing bath Ive been wanting without the kids banging down my door.  Hmmm.  Will have to work on that one.

Another Bad Day Turned Long Night

I absolutely despise my husbands ex sometimes.  She is such a loon.  Texts my husband out of the blue about giving her $850.00 for their oldest childs braces.  Its disgusting what she does.  The child did not NEED braces.  Her teeth were very straight and had a beautiful smile.  Sometimes I wonder what she puts her through.  She comes to our house with proactive solution that her mom says she HAS to use. I wonder what her self confidence is sometimes with someone constantly trying to "fix" her.  Its not just that but she is 13 and going to the gym so she doesnt gain weight.  The girl is not anywhere near overweight by any means.  So when my husband tells her that I am having medical issues that he is worried about and dealing with first because braces were not a  necessity she flies off the wall about having them first and how I need to provide for my own health needs.  She then has the gaul to text me and ask if I am contagious.  REALLY?  I swear she is nothing but a psychotic you know what.  So we talk to our lawyer about the whole braces thing and she tells us not to worry about it that she cant push braces in court because it was not a medical need.  In other words she didnt need them due to inability to eat or drink.  Normally it wouldnt be a big deal but when we are paying child support, alimony and other medical bills for the kids that ARE a necessity like clockwork and have our bills that are a necessity as well it burns me up at how she behaves.  Not to mention the fact that she flies or drives to a different state every other weekend to see her boyfriend.  I will relish the day the youngest stepchild turns 18.  I am so tired of dealing with this woman. I keep holding out hope that maybe one day she will stop being so hateful and arrogant and start doing what is best for the kids instead of being selfish and using them as a way to hold over their fathers head. 

The day went on without an attack.  Ive come to expect the unexpected with these.  I never know when they will hit.  Sitting at the dinnertable I lost my feeling in my hands and feet.  Then came this stinging sensation in my left side, up my chest and up through my throat.  I waited a little while to see if it would pass and it didnt.  I took my pulse and it was 112 at rest.  The lowest it came down to was 104.  So we decide to go to the ER where I sat in a psych room for 30 minutes before anyone came to do anything.  Im glad I wasnt having a heart attack.  A woman in the room next to mine was banging on the walls, screaming and going crazy.  I wondered why they would put me there.  Then finally the doctor came and was such an ass!  Didnt listen to a word I said then it dawned on me that they thought I was feigning for drugs or was coming off of a high. ROFLMAO!!! It wasnt funny last night but today I find it hilarious.  They ran an EKG and some bloodwork but everything came back fine.  So back home I go.  Still waiting for my appointment and still calling around to find a doctor that can see me sooner.  And the wait continues...................

So Relieved

So the day started out really awful.  No sleep the night before, tossing and turning.  Pins and needles in my feet, itching, burning, muscle spasms...etc..etc..Then had to get up early because all of the bad storms moving in.  That weather radio just wouldnt hush it so I could sleep.  I got the oldest ones off to school, they had to ride the bus since my hands were "asleep" as they usually are.  My husband, youngest son and I decided to wait out the storms at the shop instead of at home.  Everything blew over with no damage thank goodness.  We get back home and on my way out of the truck I lose all feeling in my feet.  Its like I had forgotten how to walk or that there were no feet to begin with.  I fell flat on my back on the gravel drive with the rain pouring on top of me.  My poor husband freaked out.  I thought he was going to break his neck getting to me.  I was fine really, just a little shaken up and cold from the rain.  I realized at that very moment how lucky I am to have him.  He is truly an amazing man.  When I am frustrated over how I can not do certain things at the time and want to scream, he lets me.  He doesnt say a single word.  He rushes to help me in so many ways.  Sometimes I get so mad, not at him but at the fact that I cant do some of the simpler things that should be NO ISSUE.  I just cant wrap my head around how or why whatever this is, is progressing as quickly as it is.
The days started out bad, but ended up good.  Ive still had a few attacks, some even while trying to type this.  But, I was approved for medicaid today.  :)  I have an ongoing health issue and am within the income limits so I got it.  I was so afraid I would be denied. But wow, never thought I would be so happy about getting "welfare" as some would call it.  But when you are with no insurance and the majority of your money goes to child support for the skids and their doctor bills theres not much left at the end of the month...if any at times.  I could put a few choice words in here about that situation but what good would it do?  None at all.  Ive let go of the anger of her assuming to know my business.  Truth is, she doesnt and I shouldnt care what she thinks or says.  If she chooses to believe a certain way I cant change it.  Its not like my world should revolve around her mindset.  Nope, I choose to let go.  I have to for the sake of my health and sanity. 

What the.........!!!!!!!

Okay so here I sit, finding myself in need of letting off some steam and no one to talk to about it.  Ive retyped this stinking blog 6 times.  I am a brutally honest person but at the same time over the past few months I have found this little thing called tact.  Ya know, where you actually bite your tongue on things and let it all blow over.  Well here I am.  Apparently I do not need to be doing that anymore.  Its costing me my health.  Or so says the ER doctor.  They think I have Reynauds Syndrome.  A disease in my nerves that causes them to send messages to the blood vessells to constrict and cut off bloodflow which in turn causes me to lose feeling in them and when the blood finally comes back to my hands and feet I feel like I am on fire...no really....literally,  it feels like someone just dumped a gallon of boiling water on my hands and feet.  They say its due to stress.  So I finally get an appointment with a Doctor in Nashville and while making my appointment the receptionist sends my call over to the nurse who then talks to me about my symptoms.  I am then transferred to the doctor who tells me my blue hands coincide with Reynauds but that the rest of my symptoms do not and he is going to schedule me for some diagnostic testing for MS.  GREAT just wonderful!!  This is exactly what I need in my life right now.  I have 3 biological kids who need me and believe it or not 3 step kids who need me too.  Ive been told that I am their calm in the storm.  Well guess what guys, your smom (step mom) is about to be THE STORM.   I dont feel sorry for myself at all.  I am even trying not to worry about it.  Im just mad as hell about it.  Im mad because I do not have ANY patience anymore, I cant stand to wait around on things. I am irritible because of my lack of sleep.  Im mad because when I lose control of my hands and feet I cant do a damn thing and then steps in my wonderful husband to lend a helping hand.  What do I do?  I bite his head off.  Crazy right?  I know, its horrible of me.  I should be happy that hes helping me, but Im not.  Im angry!!  I cant even open a can of tomato sauce half the time, and when I try it spills all over the freaking counter!!  I have feeling in my hands and feet most of the time so its not like Im constantly this way but I cant grip things like I use to and its just weird and very hard to explain.  The best part of this whole thing....my husband didnt even know about the MS testing and Ive even tried to get out of him taking me to the doctor....I got busted.  Not that I lied to him about what the doctor said over the phone, I tried discussing it with him but he was either at work or the kids were acting up or he was watching tv and wasnt listening....I just didnt feel the need to worry him about it until we knew for sure.  I know it was stupid of me not to tell him.  The not so funny part is his ex wife found out at the same time he did.  OOOOPS!!!   The two of them were in the middle of arguing over the fact that she has plans on the weekend we are going to Arkansas and doesnt want their kids going and that we have to get them and KEEP them in Tennessee,  when she brings up that the girls told her about my health issue.  She says "well if she wouldnt have been smoking then she wouldnt have this issue"  I blew up.  Yeah, me, the one who has held it all together for months blew her top.  I said "Ummm you dont need to be talking about stuff you have no idea about and for your information, my health issues have nothing to do with smoking."  So she says to Jason "smoking is what causes her blue hands"  So I inturn say "Well ya know what? The doctor Im seeing next month doesnt seem to think its this "blue hand" problem you are talking about he thinks its MS and Im going to be tested for it when I go.  Now stay the hell out of my business."  So thats how Jason found out.  
Today was not my best day, I admit that.  I just want to be left alone, I want people to do what they say they are going to do and I want to be HEARD when I actually talk.  Like I said this lack of patience is getting me down and turning me into this monster Ive never been.  Which just happens to be a symptom of MS...who knew????? I just thought I was tired of all the BS going on in my life.  Guess not.