Saturday, February 26, 2011

What the.........!!!!!!!

Okay so here I sit, finding myself in need of letting off some steam and no one to talk to about it.  Ive retyped this stinking blog 6 times.  I am a brutally honest person but at the same time over the past few months I have found this little thing called tact.  Ya know, where you actually bite your tongue on things and let it all blow over.  Well here I am.  Apparently I do not need to be doing that anymore.  Its costing me my health.  Or so says the ER doctor.  They think I have Reynauds Syndrome.  A disease in my nerves that causes them to send messages to the blood vessells to constrict and cut off bloodflow which in turn causes me to lose feeling in them and when the blood finally comes back to my hands and feet I feel like I am on really....literally,  it feels like someone just dumped a gallon of boiling water on my hands and feet.  They say its due to stress.  So I finally get an appointment with a Doctor in Nashville and while making my appointment the receptionist sends my call over to the nurse who then talks to me about my symptoms.  I am then transferred to the doctor who tells me my blue hands coincide with Reynauds but that the rest of my symptoms do not and he is going to schedule me for some diagnostic testing for MS.  GREAT just wonderful!!  This is exactly what I need in my life right now.  I have 3 biological kids who need me and believe it or not 3 step kids who need me too.  Ive been told that I am their calm in the storm.  Well guess what guys, your smom (step mom) is about to be THE STORM.   I dont feel sorry for myself at all.  I am even trying not to worry about it.  Im just mad as hell about it.  Im mad because I do not have ANY patience anymore, I cant stand to wait around on things. I am irritible because of my lack of sleep.  Im mad because when I lose control of my hands and feet I cant do a damn thing and then steps in my wonderful husband to lend a helping hand.  What do I do?  I bite his head off.  Crazy right?  I know, its horrible of me.  I should be happy that hes helping me, but Im not.  Im angry!!  I cant even open a can of tomato sauce half the time, and when I try it spills all over the freaking counter!!  I have feeling in my hands and feet most of the time so its not like Im constantly this way but I cant grip things like I use to and its just weird and very hard to explain.  The best part of this whole husband didnt even know about the MS testing and Ive even tried to get out of him taking me to the doctor....I got busted.  Not that I lied to him about what the doctor said over the phone, I tried discussing it with him but he was either at work or the kids were acting up or he was watching tv and wasnt listening....I just didnt feel the need to worry him about it until we knew for sure.  I know it was stupid of me not to tell him.  The not so funny part is his ex wife found out at the same time he did.  OOOOPS!!!   The two of them were in the middle of arguing over the fact that she has plans on the weekend we are going to Arkansas and doesnt want their kids going and that we have to get them and KEEP them in Tennessee,  when she brings up that the girls told her about my health issue.  She says "well if she wouldnt have been smoking then she wouldnt have this issue"  I blew up.  Yeah, me, the one who has held it all together for months blew her top.  I said "Ummm you dont need to be talking about stuff you have no idea about and for your information, my health issues have nothing to do with smoking."  So she says to Jason "smoking is what causes her blue hands"  So I inturn say "Well ya know what? The doctor Im seeing next month doesnt seem to think its this "blue hand" problem you are talking about he thinks its MS and Im going to be tested for it when I go.  Now stay the hell out of my business."  So thats how Jason found out.  
Today was not my best day, I admit that.  I just want to be left alone, I want people to do what they say they are going to do and I want to be HEARD when I actually talk.  Like I said this lack of patience is getting me down and turning me into this monster Ive never been.  Which just happens to be a symptom of MS...who knew????? I just thought I was tired of all the BS going on in my life.  Guess not.

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