Monday, February 28, 2011

So Relieved

So the day started out really awful.  No sleep the night before, tossing and turning.  Pins and needles in my feet, itching, burning, muscle spasms...etc..etc..Then had to get up early because all of the bad storms moving in.  That weather radio just wouldnt hush it so I could sleep.  I got the oldest ones off to school, they had to ride the bus since my hands were "asleep" as they usually are.  My husband, youngest son and I decided to wait out the storms at the shop instead of at home.  Everything blew over with no damage thank goodness.  We get back home and on my way out of the truck I lose all feeling in my feet.  Its like I had forgotten how to walk or that there were no feet to begin with.  I fell flat on my back on the gravel drive with the rain pouring on top of me.  My poor husband freaked out.  I thought he was going to break his neck getting to me.  I was fine really, just a little shaken up and cold from the rain.  I realized at that very moment how lucky I am to have him.  He is truly an amazing man.  When I am frustrated over how I can not do certain things at the time and want to scream, he lets me.  He doesnt say a single word.  He rushes to help me in so many ways.  Sometimes I get so mad, not at him but at the fact that I cant do some of the simpler things that should be NO ISSUE.  I just cant wrap my head around how or why whatever this is, is progressing as quickly as it is.
The days started out bad, but ended up good.  Ive still had a few attacks, some even while trying to type this.  But, I was approved for medicaid today.  :)  I have an ongoing health issue and am within the income limits so I got it.  I was so afraid I would be denied. But wow, never thought I would be so happy about getting "welfare" as some would call it.  But when you are with no insurance and the majority of your money goes to child support for the skids and their doctor bills theres not much left at the end of the month...if any at times.  I could put a few choice words in here about that situation but what good would it do?  None at all.  Ive let go of the anger of her assuming to know my business.  Truth is, she doesnt and I shouldnt care what she thinks or says.  If she chooses to believe a certain way I cant change it.  Its not like my world should revolve around her mindset.  Nope, I choose to let go.  I have to for the sake of my health and sanity. 

Saturday, February 26, 2011

What the.........!!!!!!!

Okay so here I sit, finding myself in need of letting off some steam and no one to talk to about it.  Ive retyped this stinking blog 6 times.  I am a brutally honest person but at the same time over the past few months I have found this little thing called tact.  Ya know, where you actually bite your tongue on things and let it all blow over.  Well here I am.  Apparently I do not need to be doing that anymore.  Its costing me my health.  Or so says the ER doctor.  They think I have Reynauds Syndrome.  A disease in my nerves that causes them to send messages to the blood vessells to constrict and cut off bloodflow which in turn causes me to lose feeling in them and when the blood finally comes back to my hands and feet I feel like I am on really....literally,  it feels like someone just dumped a gallon of boiling water on my hands and feet.  They say its due to stress.  So I finally get an appointment with a Doctor in Nashville and while making my appointment the receptionist sends my call over to the nurse who then talks to me about my symptoms.  I am then transferred to the doctor who tells me my blue hands coincide with Reynauds but that the rest of my symptoms do not and he is going to schedule me for some diagnostic testing for MS.  GREAT just wonderful!!  This is exactly what I need in my life right now.  I have 3 biological kids who need me and believe it or not 3 step kids who need me too.  Ive been told that I am their calm in the storm.  Well guess what guys, your smom (step mom) is about to be THE STORM.   I dont feel sorry for myself at all.  I am even trying not to worry about it.  Im just mad as hell about it.  Im mad because I do not have ANY patience anymore, I cant stand to wait around on things. I am irritible because of my lack of sleep.  Im mad because when I lose control of my hands and feet I cant do a damn thing and then steps in my wonderful husband to lend a helping hand.  What do I do?  I bite his head off.  Crazy right?  I know, its horrible of me.  I should be happy that hes helping me, but Im not.  Im angry!!  I cant even open a can of tomato sauce half the time, and when I try it spills all over the freaking counter!!  I have feeling in my hands and feet most of the time so its not like Im constantly this way but I cant grip things like I use to and its just weird and very hard to explain.  The best part of this whole husband didnt even know about the MS testing and Ive even tried to get out of him taking me to the doctor....I got busted.  Not that I lied to him about what the doctor said over the phone, I tried discussing it with him but he was either at work or the kids were acting up or he was watching tv and wasnt listening....I just didnt feel the need to worry him about it until we knew for sure.  I know it was stupid of me not to tell him.  The not so funny part is his ex wife found out at the same time he did.  OOOOPS!!!   The two of them were in the middle of arguing over the fact that she has plans on the weekend we are going to Arkansas and doesnt want their kids going and that we have to get them and KEEP them in Tennessee,  when she brings up that the girls told her about my health issue.  She says "well if she wouldnt have been smoking then she wouldnt have this issue"  I blew up.  Yeah, me, the one who has held it all together for months blew her top.  I said "Ummm you dont need to be talking about stuff you have no idea about and for your information, my health issues have nothing to do with smoking."  So she says to Jason "smoking is what causes her blue hands"  So I inturn say "Well ya know what? The doctor Im seeing next month doesnt seem to think its this "blue hand" problem you are talking about he thinks its MS and Im going to be tested for it when I go.  Now stay the hell out of my business."  So thats how Jason found out.  
Today was not my best day, I admit that.  I just want to be left alone, I want people to do what they say they are going to do and I want to be HEARD when I actually talk.  Like I said this lack of patience is getting me down and turning me into this monster Ive never been.  Which just happens to be a symptom of MS...who knew????? I just thought I was tired of all the BS going on in my life.  Guess not.